A Different Kind of Education
by katie3
Summary: Zim takes. . . *dramatic music plays* SEX ED! You know that you remember it and hated it. Zim has a different take on it. Please r/r, if you'd be so kind.


Zim, Dib & co. Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon, Chel *kind of* DreamWorks. I spun  
her up a bit for the story.  
**********************************************************************  
"Take your seats, miserable brats," hissed Mrs. Bitters. "You just went to recess and have  
taken in sufficient *sunlight* and--" she scoffed, "--*oxygen*. So sit down! In your seats."  
A boy in the third row turned to talk to a girl behind him. The girl noticed Mrs. Bitters glaring  
at the boy and tried to silence him before the sinister-looking teacher swooped over. Too late.  
The boy only noticed as the room seemed to go black and he was gone. Mrs. Bitters was once  
again at the front of the room.  
The whole room was silent. Zim twiddled his thumbs quietly as Mrs. Bitters glared down at a  
paper that had been delivered to her desk when the class was outside playing. Her glare  
dissolved and Zim watched as a look of -could it be?- a look of fear replaced the ancient frown  
on the equally ancient teacher's face. Zim saw her mouth form the words, "Oh, no."  
Dib raised his hand and waved it in the air while Mrs. Bitters continued to stare at the paper.  
She looked up and noticed his hand. "What *is it*, Dib?" she said.   
Dib hesitated. Her voice sounded like she was about to cry. Mrs. Bitters. Cry. It just didn't  
happen. It wasn't possible. He swallowed and continued, "What does the paper say, Mrs.  
Bitters?" He blinked innocently, or what he hoped was innocently.  
Mrs. Bitters gulped. The entire sixth-grade class was watching her intently, curious about  
what would make the evil woman be so jittery. She gulped again and said, in a very hushed and  
quivering voice, "S-sexual education." The entire class giggled giddily, except for Dib and Zim.  
Mrs. Bitters stumbled and dropped the paper. As she bent over to pick it up, she knocked over  
the flagpole. The class watched her pick it, along with the paper, up, muttering to herself.  
She looked back at the class. "So- let's begin, s-shall we?" The class stared at her. Zim  
blinked. What was this, 'sexual education,' that Mrs. Bitters spoke of? What did it mean? Would  
this information help him conquer the puny humans? Perhaps. . . Yeessss. . . [Hey, Irkens are  
born in tubes, remember? No sex.]  
"I will rule the world with an iron fist!" cried Zim gleefully, forgetting himself for a moment.  
He coughed nervously and said to the class, "I -uh- have diabetes! Low blood sugar!"   
The entire class, save Dib, nodded in recognition. A little girl who actually *did* have  
diabetes said, "No he doesn't! I don't do tha-"  
She was interrupted by the shaky Mrs. Bitters. "Now! This confounded paper tells me to use. .  
." her eyes widened as she read. "*Visual aids*." She trembled as a projection screen and  
projector jolted down from the ceiling and slammed into the floor. Zim was watching very  
intently.  
"Now, class," said Mrs. Bitters, a bit more confident. "The guide says that all I have to do, at  
first anyway, is explain how relationships build up. That seems easy enough, now doesn't it?"  
She sighed out loud for her relief. The projector flicked on as Mrs. Bitters read from the large  
manual that had come with the paper.  
"All right, the first step of a relationship is. . ." she read on. "Meeting." A picture of a boy and  
a girl, both about thirteen years old, both of them talking to one another, showed up on the  
projection screen. Mrs. Bitters was still frowning, but didn't seem afraid anymore, at least. "In  
this stage of a relationship, a boy and girl share silly, unimportant gossip, obviously about some  
other student, whose hair was always in pigtails, and called "little 'Twitter Bitter,'" and was  
always beat up on the playground by Billy Jessop-" she stopped, cleared her throat, and  
continued. "A young boy and young girl, both at the stage where they enter puberty, about your  
age, children, meet and seem to enjoy one another's presence, for whatever reason that these  
people can think of."  
Zim was writing all of this down, and Dib wasn't really paying attention. This wasn't really  
that important, after all, was it? He twirled a pencil around in his hands.   
"The second stage of relationships is- affectionate hand-holding." Mrs. Bitters shuddered  
involuntarily. "The young boy and girl hold hands, and will spend time with one another and so  
on. The picture on the projection screen showed just that scene.   
Mrs. Bitters suddenly looked nervous again. "The- the third stage of r-relationships is -er-  
hugging. Oh, God. . ." The picture on the screen showed the same boy and girl hugging. The  
thing that the entire class noticed was that the girl was chewing on the boy's ear lobe. Dib's eyes  
went even wider and bulgier than normal. Zim cocked a non-existent eyebrow. What did this  
strange action mean? Was the human girl attempting to eat the human boy? Is that what  
happened during this, "puberty?" He noted that this may be the case in his notes. Humans were  
so foolish. If there was a mass of children all reaching. . . puberty. . . at the same time, the entire  
populace could be veritably wiped out!   
"The f-fo-fourth stage," stuttered Mrs. Bitters, "is -oh, my God- petting." She was sweating  
bullets. The entire class leaned forward in their seats, including Dib and Zim, this time, when the  
picture appeared on the screen. "In this stage, the boy and girl show affectionate t-touching." She  
closed her eyes. "Of one another's -er- special places." She glanced down at the paper and nearly  
passed out. "Of one another's g-g-genitals."  
The entire class's eyes where as large as Dib's usually were. They were staring at the picture  
of the boy and girl in the back of a car, laying horizontally, and making out, while the girl had a  
firm hold of the boy's, "special place." Her hands were shoved down his pants. None of the class  
giggled anymore. Zim was the only exception. "So," he thought. "I must place my hands down  
humans' pants, and shove my face onto theirs to take over the world and make them obey the  
Irkens." He wrote this down in his notes.   
"The fifth stage-" gasped Mrs. Bitters, "i-i-is seduction." The whole class, Zim, Dib, and the  
rest, gasped. The girl was now kneeling on all fours on a bed and the boy was under her,  
unbuttoning her shirt. Zim stared at the screen. Was this really how you took over Earth? What is  
wrong with these humans? Mrs. Bitters kept reading in a more-shaky-than-ever voice, "The girl  
and/or boy attempts to -oh, God- attempts to get the other to partake in. . . in. . . in sexual  
intercourse."   
Mrs. Bitters spoke in such a hushed tone for the next picture that nobody could hear her. But  
they didn't need to hear any explanation for this visual aid. The boy and girl were both in bed,  
naked, though no 'special places' were showing. A girl in the fourth row of seats fell out of her  
desk and lay on the floor, unmoving, eyes bulging out of her head.   
"Watch video," muttered Mrs. Bitters. She then passed out. Nobody moved, but the projection  
screen suddenly had moving pictures on it. Large words in red appeared. They read, 'So You  
Want to Know About Your Body.' Zim nodded fervently. This was it! This is what he had been  
waiting for! It was like the humans were giving Zim a manual entitled, 'How to Take Over and  
Entire Sentient Species.'  
The movie began, "Boys and girls both go through very special changes when they get to  
about age twelve." The class looked nervously at each other. They were all about twelve. The  
movie continued, "Boys and girls may want to be nearer to one another, or even touch one  
another affectionately! And if you feel like that, it's okay! Do you know why?" The whole class  
shook their heads. "Because your *hormones* are starting to act up!" answered the movie.  
"Hormones help us grow, but they also make our minds do funny things! They make you want to  
be near a certain attractive boy or girl, and they can even make you feel as though you, 'want  
their body!' Isn't that funny?" The whole class shook their heads again. Zim looked skeptical.  
This human who was speaking of hormones and such sounded like a complete fool. "Well, kids,"  
said the strange man in the video. "I'm gonna show you how these changes in your body take  
place! First I will explain sexual intercourse to you." There it was again! That phrase! Zim got  
ready to take some very precise notes.  
"These are what boys' and girls' special places look like!" said the strange and now  
seemingly-perverted man. A picture of the male and female 'special places' appeared on the  
movie screen. The whole class blushed a deep shade of red and looked at one another's pants, or  
so it seemed to Zim. Zim looked at the picture. It showed a naked boy and a naked girl. Zim's  
eyes got very wide at the boy. Especially the place between the boy's legs. Zim didn't have one of  
those! Zim now blushed, too. He glanced at the naked girl, and felt relieved to see that she had  
no odd growth between her legs.  
"This is how sexual intercourse works," said the wrongly-calm man's voice. "The boy's penis  
becomes hard and erect, and the boy puts it into the girl's vagina. That's all there is to it,  
children!" the voice said happily. The sixth-graders thought that they had been spared this  
particular image, when all of a sudden, a large and detailed picture showed the described scene  
happening. A little boy clutched his mouth and ran out of the room, about to vomit. Two other  
boys got nosebleeds, and a girl passed out. Zim simply stared in awe. Dib drooled onto his desk.  
The movie then went on to explain about, as Zim heard, 'sexual hair-es-ment,' [That really is  
how they say it in the movie we watched in sixth-grade!], 'Ess Tee Dees,' and, 'Con Dums.' [Yes,  
they are spelled wrong for a reason.] The last image in the movie was large print that said, "This  
video sponsored by: Roman Condoms. Use Roman Condoms for a most pleasurable and  
stimulating experience!"  
After school, the children all walked home with deadened looks in their eyes. What they had  
just experienced was worse than any lesson that Mrs. Bitters could have usually given. Ever. Dib  
simply whispered to himself, "It won't happen soon, it won't happen soon, it won't happen soon,"  
over and over again with his eyes tightly shut. Zim didn't blink at all, but seemed calm. *He*  
whispered to himself, "At least I got the information. . . at least I got the information. . . at least I  
got the information. . ."  
***********************************  
Zim slammed the door behind him as he walked into the glowing, magenta-and-teal  
house. The robot mother rolled by. As it rolled along it shrieked happily, "Who *does* your  
hair?!!" Zim sighed. At least he had the new plans to conquer the puny Earth. The human images  
on the screen almost made it so that it wasn't worth it. Zim had seen things that no Irken Invader  
(or sixth-grader, for that matter) should ever have to see.   
"Boy, am I glad I was born from a tube," muttered Zim. Gir walked into the room,  
holding something behind his back. Zim looked at him as he sat down on the sofa to think.  
"What do you want, Gir?" he asked.  
"I don't knoooow. . . ." said Gir quietly. Then he remembered. "Oh, yeah! Master, I can't  
figure out that puzzle you gave me."  
Zim blinked. "Gir, what puzzle?"  
"The round, red one," said Gir. "It's a hard puzzle."  
"Gir, that's a ball. Not a puzzle." Had Zim been human, he would have been thinking,  
*Oh. My. God.*  
"Ohhh. . ." said Gir, after a moment. "Then I love the ball!" he cried euphorically. He ran  
away, screaming and bouncing the ball joyfully.   
Zim got wearily up and went into the kitchen. He jumped into the toilet and flushed. He  
zoomed down to the lab. Once he was there, he got onto his computer. He searched the  
information systems for things involving this, "sexual education." Perhaps the video did not  
share all of the secrets. Zim was glad to know that the information systems didn't have images  
unless you specifically requested them. He had seen enough human genitalia for one day.  
The system said in a monotone voice, "Items found involving search term:" It listed what  
it had found.  
"Hmmm. . ." said Zim as he looked over the list. "Computer: open file entitled  
'prostitutes.'" Zim thought out loud, "What is this human term, prostitute? Perhaps another way  
to overthrow the minuscule earth-meat humans!" He laughed maniacally for a moment, then  
returned to his work.  
He read the article on prostitutes.  
*Prostitutes are humans, most often women, that will give sexual intercourse in   
exchange for human money. Prostitution is a popular occupation, the reason   
being the simplicity with which the task required is performed. Prostitutes, while  
despised in places such as the suburbs [A/N: Well, they are!], prostitutes can be  
quite popular in places such as large cities. Thesaurus entries: Whore, call-girl,  
ho, mattress dancer.*  
Zim requested an image of a prostitute. He blinked. This person didn't look so bad!  
Strangely colored face. . . Smaller amount of clothing than most foolish humans. . . Larger chest  
region. . . Just a normal, easy-to-rule-over human! Then more words appeared at the bottom of  
the monitor screen. "Request prostitute to base?: Y/N."  
Zim grinned. Yes! To have a weapon like a prostitute of such power would be a huge  
advantage against the seemingly-conquerable, idiot humans. Zim cackled happily to himself as  
he ordered the computer to deliver a prostitute to the house.  
****Somewhere in the inner-city. . .****  
Chel Romero's pager beeped. "Special request!! Special request!!" Chel smiled. So some  
guy had heard of her. Chel smiled proudly. Someone had requested her to their house! Only the  
big-time call-girls got special requests. Chel left her street corner and got on the bus. She put a  
coin into the fee box and sat down. Whoever had asked for Chel Romero as a special request  
was gonna get the night of his life. The whore smiled inwardly to herself.  
****Meanwhile. . . .****  
Zim put on his disguise once again and walked purposefully toward Dib's house. Dib was  
the first one to go down. That pesky human-child was more trouble than Gir. Well, maybe not  
that much, but he wasn't someone that Zim wanted to keep around if he could help it. He walked  
up to the home, and rung the doorbell.  
Gaz opened the door. She looked at Zim, and said tersely, "Dib?"  
"Yes," replied Zim.  
Gaz turned and screamed, "DIIIIIB!" She walked back to her video game.  
Dib approached the door. "Zim!" he said, surprised. "What are *you*--" He stopped. If  
he could get Zim inside his room. . . where the traps were. . . He could capture Zim! Then those  
idiots would believe him. They would have to. He would have LIVE PROOF that he had been  
right all along. He could see himself waving Zim's removed brain in the face of some important  
scientist that hadn't believed him. He saw himself singing 'I tooold you! I tooold you! Nya-nya--  
'   
"A-*hem.*" Zim cleared his throat pointedly.   
"Oh! Er- come in, Zim, come in!" said Dib somewhat politely. He ushered Zim into his  
room. As soon as the door was shut, Zim spun around.   
"Hello! My name is Zim! What is your name?" said Zim happily, trying to sound  
friendly.  
"What?" said Zim, confused.  
"My name is Zim, and I enjoy your presence for whatever reason those people can think  
of!" said Zim.   
Dib was about to say something, but stopped. 'For whatever reason--' Oh. No. He  
remembered the slide-show and explanations of stages of relationships. He started up again,  
"Now, Zim! I know what you're thinking! No! Just, no, Zim! Don't come near m--"  
Suddenly, Zim lunged at Dib. Dib turned to run - and slammed into his desk. He fell  
backwards, on his back.  
"I'm not at that part yet!" said Zim angrily. He picked Dib up and nearly crushed him in  
an incredibly strong embrace. Dib gasped for breath and could swear he felt his ribs creaking  
under the pressure. He was about to pass out, when all of a sudden, Zim threw his head back,  
opened his mouth, and bit down violently on Dib's ear.  
"AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed Dib. Zim let him go. Dib rubbed his ear  
gingerly, and pulled his hand away. There was a small trace of blood on it. "Son of a--"  
Suddenly, he looked up. Zim was staring at him menacingly. Oh, no.   
"FEEL MY WRATH, EARTH-MEAT!" shrieked Zim as he knocked Dib over. He  
jumped on top of him and pried Dib's mouth open.   
"NOO--" Dib started to cry out. But his mouth was enveloped by the disgustingly rough  
alien mouth. Zim wasn't enjoying this much, either, save the fact that he thought that Dib would  
be under his power after he was done. He shoved his hand down Dib's pants. Dib gasped in  
confusion. This wasn't right! He grabbed Zim by the neck and shook. Zim jumped back and  
stared at Dib angrily.  
Zim blinked, ran up to him, and grabbed the front of Dib's shirt. He pulled back  
viciously, and a ripping sound filled the room. Zim held Dib's not-so-happy face shirt in his  
hand, and Dib's trench coat had come off in the scuffle. He was standing there without his shirt  
on. He looked at Zim nervously and ran into his bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Zim  
heard the lock click.   
Zim blinked. He noticed the conveniently-open window on the far wall. He jumped out,  
dropping the shirt on the ground, and ran.  
****Back at the house. . .****  
"I can't believe it didn't work. It scared the puny human-feces out of Dib today at  
school," muttered Zim sadly. Then the doorbell rang. Zim got up to open it. As the door swung  
open, Zim's eyes got wide. It was a very curvy woman wearing a cream-colored tube top with a  
pink stripe and a thin brown stripe. She was wearing a cream trench-coat and a long skirt with  
high slits of the same color. She had long black hair, and appeared to be of Mexican heritage,.   
"Call me Chel," she said happily. Then she took a closer look at Zim. "Oh, God, why do I  
have to get the weird ones?" she pleaded to the sky.  
Zim blinked. "Who are you?"  
"I'm Chel," she prompted. "The whore- er, I mean, call-girl that you requested."  
"AH!" cried Zim happily. So the day might not be lost! "Would you mind telling me your  
secrets?" he asked her eagerly.  
Chel's first thought was, "The hell?. . ." Then she realized what he meant. This was her  
first call-job, so she didn't want to blow it. "Okay," she said at length. "Sure. Why not?"   
The end?  
  
  



End file.
